Surviving Grief
They say deaths come in threes and this week it proved to be true.
On Monday, a high school friend passed away from cancer. Sharon was a fun, kind, beautiful gal who brightened every room she entered.
On Tuesday, our son Jonathan’s fiancé Mallory’s grandfather died after deciding to discontinue kidney dialysis. Clarence, (known to his family as Opa), was a decorated veteran, a former army ranger, who was always the life of the party wherever he went. Everyone enjoyed hearing his jokes and stories and simply loved being around him.
On Wednesday, our neighbor Ed committed suicide. He was a successful attorney with a beautiful wife, family, home and what seemed to be a charmed life. The shock of his untimely death has his family and friends reeling as they try to make sense of the whole situation.
Eventually we’ll all face the loss of a loved one and will know people who experience the same. So how do we survive the grief that inevitably affects each and every one of us?
Here are some strategies I employ that may help you when you find yourself in this place.
First, remember, we all decide when, where, how and who’s with us when we go. Knowing this helps ease the guilt some of us feel when we’re not there at the exact moment our loved one dies.
Second, remember, we’re all surrounded by angels and deceased loved ones as we’re dying, all of whom escort us, all of us, to Heaven. It doesn’t matter if the dying process happens instantly or over days, week or months, everyone goes through the Twelve Phases of Transition and it’s a glorious scene.
Third, remember, grief comes in waves. Just like waves of the ocean, grief has three phases … calm, disruption, repair. The sea is calm, then a wave comes crashing into the shore with a lot of force and then recedes. Grief is the same. The feeling overcomes us, recedes and then goes away. When the pain is intense, allow it to pass through you and you’ll notice how it eventually lessens.
Lastly, I do my best to find little miracles along the way. Sharon lived long enough to see a grandbaby born and christened. Clarence waited for his daughter to arrive from Arizona. He passed two hours after she landed. And Ed laid his will, wallet, cell phone, and a large amount of cash on his bed and placed a file of household bills on his desk. In addition, he opened cabinet doors in his home office to expose binders with investment portfolio information. He made efforts to give his wife some direction in order to help lessen her burden.
When my little sister Joan died of a cerebral aneurysm in 2010, my dear friend Debra told me, “Life is for the living”, and that simple phrase has stuck with me ever since. Focus on a life well lived, prepare food and take it to the family, send a comforting note or book like Angelic Attendants, and mostly, just be present and allow yourself and others whatever time it takes to grieve.