Tonya from Greensboro, NC, asked:
Hi Julie,
I am dealing with what one might call a frivolous problem, but it is causing me a lot of pain.
My husband, son, and I moved in with my in-laws because their health began to decline. My mother-in-law had a stroke in 2014, broke her ankle a year later, and broke her pelvis the year after that.
Anyway, she has been terribly mean to me. She is hateful to everyone, but the worst to our son and me. She is manipulative and self-centered. She says I don’t keep her house clean enough and she looks for things to pick at me about. Everyone who visits comments about our clean house and she disagrees with them.
She didn’t want to move to an assisted living facility so we rented our home. The rental income has helped us financially, but I don’t know what to do about her. Why does she act this way?
Now granted, she has always been snooty and self-centered, but this is to the 100th power! Does she have a demon?
Julie, please give me some advice. Please.
Thank you,
Tonya
Hi Tonya,
With the holidays quickly approaching, yours is a timely question, one that looks like it applies year-round to you.
Not only do many of us care for elderly relatives, it seems like during the holidays, unpleasant behavior can be exacerbated with activities, additional visitors and the stress of all that comes with trying to make everything perfect for our families.
First and foremost, your mother-in-law isn’t possessed by a demon. Since all spirits are pure love, I don’t believe demonic possessions exist.
Please remember, no one can create in another person’s reality because no one can control another person’s thoughts. Keep that in mind as you go through your daily activities around her. Do your best to create whatever story you need to make yourself feel better. Change your perspective to see her as a person who is hurting. Wonder what caused her to act this way and what has happened to her to make her so fearful? Is she in pain and if so what can be done to minimize her pain?
In the meantime, here are a few suggestions you might find helpful. They come from Daniel Amen, MD, a double board-certified psychiatrist and pertain to the holidays and all year:
1) Keep Your Cool – Stay calm and others are more likely to model your behavior.
2) Build A Bridge – Do your best to look at the situation from the other person’s perspective. This can head off an argument before one has the chance to happen.
3) Distract Yourself – Hum a tune, think of happy thoughts, do whatever you need to do to avoid being drawn into the drama.
4) Take A Time-Out – Go to a separate part of the house for 10-15 minutes to cool off and not engage in the argument or discussion.
5) Try Whispering – The dramatic change in the decibel level of your voice will make everyone pay attention to what you’re saying as you attempt to diffuse the situation.
6) Take It Outside – When things get tough, either remove yourself or try to get everyone to go outside for some fresh air and exercise.
At the end of the day, as previously mentioned, the only thing we can control is our thoughts which means we all have the ability to keep anyone from ruining our experience.
Good luck!